Loving You
by midnightphantom13
Summary: ‘Sorry’ the five letter word that was suppose to patch his heart and leave him feeling whole again only made him feel worse. One Shot. Lilly/Remus. Please Read and constructive critisism is appreciated! Mild language.


**A.N. Thoughts and flashbacks are in italics. Please read and review! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from the Harry Potter series. They belong to J.K. Rowling and I'm only borrowing them for my entertainment and hopefully yours.**

"Ms. Evans," Professor Slughorn said, "Would you please be so kind and tell me the one of the uses for the lust potion?"

"It's actually self-explanatory, Professor," Lilly said, "The potion gives the drinker a feeling of intense physical attraction to the potion maker. It's very potent in small quantities, and can be fatal if it's incorrectly brewed or overdosed on."

"Wonderful, five points to Gryffindor!" Slughorn exclaimed clapping his hands together and continued on with the lecture.

Meanwhile, the normally studious Remus Lupin ignored the lesson. His ever watchful eyes were on Lilly. He liked her ever since she found out his "condition" and didn't turn him away or treat him like a freak like he was expecting. She was the first he ever told and she encouraged him to tell Sirius and James. She was always there for him, and he liked that about her.

"I wonder if I should slip a little into Evan's pumpkin juice tomorrow morning," James whispered to Sirius.

Remus scowled and turned away from both of them. James and Sirius were so immature sometimes. He was even considering warning Lilly about James's potential plan.

The bell rang and the class exited the dungeon. Remus waited behind for Sirius and James and tried to tune out their mindless chatter.

"So Moony, the Valentine's day Hogsmade trip is coming up. Have you asked anyone yet?" Sirius asked and nudged him in the ribs.

"I'm busy." He curtly replied.

"Come on, Moony. The full moon isn't for another week and a half, and you could do with a little puppy love." James said emphasizing 'puppy.'

"Please keep your voice down."

"C'mon, don't be such a prude."

"I was born a prude, James" he replied with a grin.

All three of them chuckled and then Lilly appeared behind them. "Why are you such a jerk, James?"

"Good lord woman, make more noise when you come up behind me." James said, "You almost gave me a heart attack!"

"Oh, that'd be a shame," Sirius snorted and ran to the other side of Remus as James tried to punch him.

"So Lilly, has anyone asked you to the Hogsmade trip yet?" James asked with a smile.

"No, but I'm not going with you Potter."

"But what if you just 'happened' to see me there? Would you come with me to get a butterbeer?"

"Only, if I had arsenic with me."

"Arsenic?" Sirius repeated with confusion.

"It's a muggle poison you dolt." Remus said rolling his eyes in annoyance.

"Anyway Potter, if I 'happened' to see you there, I'd walk right past you. But I'm not going to see you there since I'm _not_ going!" Lily said and began to walk away.

"Why do you always play hard to get?" James called after her.

"Why do you have the I.Q. of a toad? If you were a little smarter, it'd be quiet obvious." She shot right back and disappeared around the corner.

Later that evening, Remus took a walk along the lakeshore. He asked Lilly to meet him here because he had something he wanted to ask her. The last time he'd been this nervous, was when Lilly found out his secret.

"_Remus, is there something wrong?" Lilly asked with her face filled with concern. He had just gotten back from visiting his sick "grandmother" back in London._

"_Nope nothing's wrong, why?" he replied trying to sound somewhat convincing. This month's full moon had taken a lot out of him and all he wanted was to go to bed._

"_You're not a very good liar Remus." Lilly said with a frown. He was going to tell her what was going on, even if she had to beat it out of him._

"_I'm not lying. My grandmother's very sick and I'm just worried about her." He snapped, but instantly regretted the cold tone. He knew she didn't deserve that. All she was doing was trying to help._

"_Oh, your grandmother is sick! I'm so sorry." Lilly exclaimed, "I hope it isn't serious, it would be horrible for her to pass on while you're in school, what with midterms coming up and everything you shouldn't have this many distractions."_

_One of Remus's eyebrows rose wondering where she was going with this._

"_My granddad was sick last year; he ended up dying of throat cancer. He smoked a great deal though. Is that what your grandmother has?"_

"_No…"Remus curtly replied._

"_Well what does she have?"_

_Remus knew he was trapped, "Um…Chronic Unicorn Fever. She suspects she caught it from a tavern where she liked to play cards. She told me a man across from her was coughing a great deal and then died a month later. My mum has a mediwitch watching her."_

"_Chronic Unicorn Fever?" Lilly repeated in disbelief, "There's no such thing."_

"_Yes there is," Remus protested, "it's a very rare, but fatal magical disease."_

"_Remus just because I'm muggle-born doesn't mean I'm dumb. There's no such thing as 'Chronic Unicorn Fever' or any type of unicorn fever. Unicorns are very magical animals and are immune to all diseases and you should even know that Remus, you've gotten top marks in all of your Defense Against the Dark Arts and Care for Magical Creatures classes."_

_Remus didn't say anything and went back to his Astronomy essay._

"_Please tell me Remus, I promise I won't tell anyone else. It'll just be our little secret." _

_He could feel her warm breath on the nape of his neck and he could smell the perfume she was wearing. His mind blanked and the wolf in him stirred. Remus furiously shook his head and gathered up his belongings. He knew that he wouldn't get anything else done tonight, at least not with Lilly hanging around making the air burn with pheromones._

"_Were do you think you're going!" Lilly growled as she cut him off on the way to the boy's dormitory._

"_To bed, I'm tired and I have an Ancient Ruins test tomorrow."_

"_Don't try and weasel your way out of this, Lupin! I'll find out what you're hiding and if I somehow can't, then I'll beat it out of you."_

_Remus didn't know if she was joking about that second part or not but replied, "Please don't."_

"_Then tell me."_

"_Fine!" Remus said, flinging his hands up in defeat. "God you're so irritating sometimes."_

"_I try." Lilly replied flashing him a dazzling smile, which made the wolf in him stir again. _

"_I'm not going to willingly tell you though." Remus warned._

"_Then let's play a game of 20 questions." Lilly suggested._

"_A what…why?"_

"_Well if you don't want to tell me willingly, then I'll guess it. You just have to answer 'yes' or 'no' to my questions."_

"_Fine," Lupin grudgingly replied and settled down in an armchair by the fire._

"_Does your secret have anything to do with your immediate family or your sick relatives?" Lilly asked._

"_That's two questions." Remus pointed out._

"_Shut up and answer it."_

"_No."_

"_Ok, does this secret have anything to do with you leaving monthly?" Lilly asked again._

"_Yes."_

"_Do you have your period?" Lilly asked with a chuckle._

"_What, no!" _

"_Sorry, I just thought I'd ask. Ok, do you have feelings of self-hatred because of your secret?"_

"_Yes." Remus whispered. The self-hatred was one of the hardest things to deal with._

"_Are you gay?"_

"_No!" Remus exclaimed._

"_Ok chill out, I just had to ask. You never know, I actually thought that was why you've never had a girlfriend."_

"_Just continue on with the interrogation please." Remus sighed. He'd rather not explain his lack of girlfriends to the very person he wished was his._

_Then he noticed the gears starting to work in Lilly's mind and his body tensed with fear. She knew his secret._

"_Were you attacked when you were younger?"_

"_Yes."_

"_How old were you?" _

"_Five years old." He could see the pity begin to form in her eyes._

"_And you've had to live in pain ever since?" _

"_Yes." Tears were beginning to well up in his eyes. He remembered that night very clearly. The pain he felt when Greyback tore into his leg, the fear in his parents eyes as they realized what their only son was to become, and the shame as they locked him in the root cellar every full moon, hearing very clearly the wails of a five year old boy turn to the howls of a young werewolf puppy._

"_Is that how you keep hurting yourself?" Lilly asked as she traced a faded scar on his hand._

"_Yes."_

"_Why? Why hurt yourself?"_

"_Every time I change, I have this intense urge to kill, and this intense blood lust that can't be satisfied by anything. I hurt myself so I can't hurt others."_

"_I'm sorry." Lilly replied as she embraced the now crying werewolf._

_Remus took in her scent and felt the wolf try to fight to the top. He broke away from Lilly and walked up the stairs. "Now you know, but please don't tell anyone, not even Sirius and James."_

"_They're your friends Remus, they deserve to know."_

"_They won't understand. I'm surprised that even you understand." Remus bitterly said, "But thank you, for understanding."_

_Lilly nodded and watched as Remus walked up to his dormitory and go to bed._

That night played over and over in Remus's mind as he waited for Lilly to arrive. When he heard her coming down the hill he turned around. She looked beautiful; the moonlight made her milky skin glow and made her brilliant emerald eyes dance.

"You wanted to tell me something Remus?" Lilly asked.

Her bluntness surprised Remus, and made him lose his composure for a moment, "Uh…I…uh…yeah." How could he say this without being cheesy? Unfortunately, the only thing he could come up with was all of Sirius's and James's pick up lines they used on girls. None of which helped in the least.

"I love you." He said.

"Oh."

Remus stared at Lilly waiting for her to say something more than 'oh.'

"I'm sorry, Remus."

'Sorry' the five letter word that was suppose to patch his heart and leave him feeling whole again only made him feel worse.

"No don't be, I'm a total ass. Why did you even come down here? Why did _I_ come down here? This was so stupid. Way to go Lupin, you stupid animal now you've managed to make a fool out of yourself." Remus said, without realizing that he was ranting and talking out loud.

"Remus, look at me" Lilly said quietly, whishing she could take away the pain she caused him.

His pale blue-grey eyes me her brilliant green ones as he tried to bury the wolf into the deepest part of his being. He didn't want his greatest awkward moment with her to be complicated even more by some feral beast.

"Why?" His word had a double meaning.

"Remus, you're sweet. Really you are, but I don't feel that way about you. I do love you, but as a brother and nothing more. Please realize that I'd no sooner willingly hurt you, than I'd willingly hurt myself."

Remus sat down on the ground and put his head in his hands. Everything she said to him hurt, but he couldn't find it in himself to feel angry.

He listened as she explained how her fights with James were just flirting ploys to get him to chase after her and that she was in fact planning on going to the Hogsmade trip with a bunch of girlfriends so she could see James there. Remus felt disgusted with himself and fought back any tears or embarrassing emotions. Lilly wouldn't see him like this and he would not let his best friend's new girlfriend be the cause of his discontentment. Lilly made a motion to get up and leave, but Remus stopped her.

"I can't get mad at your true feelings for me but it doesn't mean it hurts less. Your friendship means more to me than anything in this world and I will do the same as you. I'll teach myself to love you as a sister because I'd rather lose my love for you than lose you completely."

There was a moment of silence and all of the discord between them was gone, though the hurt would linger, Lilly knew that Remus spoke the truth and she couldn't be any happier.

"Thank you," she whispered as she embraced Remus.

"Just make sure James treats you well or he'll have a very irate werewolf to deal with." Remus said with a smirk and buried his face in her hair.

Life was going to get very complicated from here on out.


End file.
